Today is a day that I have to write about because today is a day that I understand. I have been many places in my life and all of them has taught me one lesson "it's not all about you!". I woke up this morning with the most heavy feeling in my heart. I didn't understand why so I went into meditation to find the core of my issue because this is a feeling that is familiar but not that easy to define. As I sat breathing deeply into my subconscious it opens this part if myself I have long forgotten. I saw images of my son who had passed and all of the events that was connected to it at that time. This wasn't so much of a surprise to me because a lot of those memories has been surfacing lately but this one was much different, I had a guide. As the pictures flashed by with the emotions attached to it I asked my guide why did I have to go through this again? I honestly didn't want to remember anything about what had happened. If I had the choice not to remember I would choose not to! I know there are a lot of people that would see this as harsh or insensitive but I would. It's hard enough for a parent to see your child in the hospital for a cold or a broken leg but to see your child in the hospital with tubes running in and out of his head, his stomach, his heart, his arms to witness him having seizures every time you went to see him, to sit in a room where other children are getting better and yours is just getting worse and worse by the day and to be in that situation ALONE when you were able to witness your sons last breath (literally) is nothing I would like to remember but apparently my subconscious and this guide saw it fit for me to relive those memories. Anyway trying to understand why I was going through this my guide showed me who I used to be and who I am in this moment. I have learnt a lot since the passing of my son which I can stand and be proud of but there are things that still haunt the inner most parts of me that I refused to deal with because it has been too difficult to face. So as I was in meditation I had to be very honest with myself because in that space only truth was allowed. When I say truth I mean what ever resonates with you in that particular moment that has no intent it just is. I realized in that moment that I had a responsibility to my son but like all of those who have lost someone near and dear to the them the question still lingers saying "what did I do wrong"? Maybe if I had prayed more,maybe if I had believed more, maybe if I had done more maybe just maybe my baby would have still been here. The echo of a scared and broken 20 yr old woman still lingers in my subconscious searching for an answer to the question why did he have to leave? Or more so why did it have to happen at all? To not understand those questions can send one on a search that will lead them in to the most interesting places but not to a place of complete understanding. In some ways you don't want to understand why because it's more of a feeling of if you do understand why then the search will end. Realizing in that moment that my search for truth has been my connection to my son. My son has been with me all this time because I never gave up on him I never gave up trying to find out why! The day he left I felt like he took a part of me but he didn't he actually gave me a reason to truly live.
